Jr. High Kissing

Remember when you were in Junior High and getting your first "taste" of french kissing? It was different and scary and exciting and (depending on who you were doing it with) sort of gross. Well, most of us outgrow the gross portion of the equation and learn to enjoy it, enjoy it a lot actually.

Recently I've been dating this guy who doesn't do the french kissing thing and it's the weirdest thing I've encountered in a long time - the man is 34 for God's sake! At first I thought it was just inexperience or shyness but, after the 3rd evening of very dry, very boring kisses, I finally asked about it. "I was never really into that," he says. Which was shortly followed by, "I'm not really into oral sex either."

*BOING* - hold the fucking phone!

"Are you kidding?" "On either side?" I ask. "Oh, well if someone wants to do it, I do like it but because I don't do it, I don't ask for it for myself." HOLY SHIT! Well, I at least give him credit for not being a complete selfish pig, I appreciate that about him.

A little background here, we had just come from Sushi (it was an excellent dinner I might add) where he had eaten octopus. OCTOPUS! And said when he ordered it, "I like to be adventurous." Adventurous? You will eat fucking octopus but you won't stick your tongue in my mouth? I won't eat octopus and I'll put my tongue almost anywhere (almost).

**Now while my last statement may appear to support his decision NOT to put his tongue in my mouth, I want to remind you that you just as nasty as I am, probably worse, so don't even go there.

I don't know about you but those two things together are deal-breakers for me. I could maybe survive without one or the other but both? Forget it, adios, take a walk, it's done. Actually, just the kissing thing might be enough of a deal-breaker and the "no downtown action" adds insult to injury. I'm beginning to understand why this guy is single.

Don't get me wrong, I'm no prize but come on! I know everyone is different and some are more slobbery than others (which, by the way, I do not endorse - saliva management is very important) but how do you not enjoy that? I find kissing to be more intimate than other forms of sex - you're face-to-face breathing life into each other, tasting each other, sharing your souls, it's spectacularly erotic and, if it's good, THE biggest turn-on.

So, my only option is to dump him because while I do kind of like him, I wasn't interested in picking out curtains or anything, it was just a bit of fun. And not very much fun as it turns out. I did give him 3 strikes but after the 3rd shot and still no "satisfaction" and apparently no interest on his part to "finish the job" I've reached the limit. It was entertaining for a while but as my very, very good friend Ace pointed out, "Sex for sex sake is kind of sad, isn't it." Yes, my dear, it certainly is. Adios hombre . . .