Still Crying

You know, emotional pain just sucks. I mean, it *really* sucks. I have periods when I feel fine, normal, like myself. Then, out of nowhere I start crying again. At work, at home, in the car. I was thinking today in the midst of one of these episodes that I really don't want to feel this way anymore. I want it to go away. I want to feel normal again (whatever that means). I want him to walk into my office and say, "I love you, I can't stand being without you, I will figure out a way to get out of my marriage."

Of course I say that and yet I know it would still mean someone hurts (his wife, his kids, him) and I wish that wasn't true. It's selfish of me, I know. It's my ego talking of course - it wants what it wants. Moving up to the higher functioning, more symbolic chakras, I know that what I really want is for both of us to find our truth and do what is best for us in our lives - even if that means he stays right where he is. Ultimately, if he stays with his wife, it means that's where he is supposed to be. I can't argue with that, it's his life, his path to walk, who am I to tell him he's wrong? "I can only show you the door..." and all that.

The hard part is that I can see how he's paralyzed by it all right now. He doesn't want to think about it, he doesn't know what to do about it. He wants a solution that doesn't cause anyone any pain and unfortunately that's just not possible. I think it would be sad if he is unable to at least move beyond his mental/emotional paralysis and really truly consider what is the right decision for his life and the lives of his kids. Standing still hasn't been working for him for a long time. I have to wonder if I'm the brick upside the head trying to spur him out of his cement shoes. I guess that's really for him to resolve.

I stay with my original assessment, this just sucks.

The Big Talk

There is so much inside of me and I don't know how I'm going to get it all out. The last several weeks have been difficult. I'm feeling so many emotions but they all come together to create the most spectacular heartache I've ever felt. I've never been in love like this so I guess it would make sense that the corresponding pain would be that much greater.

Good news first.....the MG is in love with me too. Has been for a while he says. Would have been nice if he'd mentioned it at some point. Wants to "spend his life building a relationship with me." Wants to move in with me right now and be together. Can't imagine ever falling out of love with me.

Bad news......doesn't feel like he can "turn his back on his family" right now. Even though he's unhappy in the marriage, his wife is unhappy in the marriage, and he said he wouldn't really be working any harder on the relationship even if I wasn't a factor.

Wow, I bet it's a hoot living in THAT household.

Result......no more fun and games with the Babe of any kind. No long talks (unless it is business related), no hugs, no stolen kisses, no rubbing legs under the table, no touching at all actually, and absolutely NO SEX. He was distressed to hear about all of it but especially about the no touching and no hugs - he was hoping to at least get away with that.

We had "the Big Talk" on Friday and it actually went quite well. We were very open, honest and respectful of each other. We clearly love each other. We clearly want to be together. He's not quite ready to leave though and that's where I had to draw the line in the sand. I told him I refused to sell myself out and accept any less than what I know I deserve in a relationship with him. To do so would not only damage our relationship but, more importantly, it would damage how I feel about myself and my own self worth. And that is something I simply will not do.

Of course I say all of this and I've been crying off and on all weekend. I actually cried myself to sleep last night. I don't know that I have ever done that - if I have I don't remember it. I don't even WANT to enforce this "new policy." What I really want to do is spend whole days in bed with him. I'm sad every morning because he's not there with me, I'm sad every night because he's not there with me. My heart breaks daily because I've waited 36 years for the love of my life and when I finally find him he's married. Unhappily married and yet unable to leave. I've asked myself if he doesn't love me enough to leave, do I want him? But that's an unfair question because the reality is that he loves his kids more and I can't say I fault him for that. However, I would argue that leaving might be the best thing for his kids given the instability of the household. But it somehow feels like a conflict of interests for me to offer this consideration.

We sat in my car in a relatively deserted public park for 2 hours and talked - at least a half hour of that was spent kissing as neither of us wanted to let go of the other. We both wanted to bag the rest of the day and go to my place but I stayed strong and said no. My theory here is that he can't miss something that's there and available to him so I need to remove myself. If he's fine without having me and able to continue on with life as if nothing has changed then it really wasn't meant to be for us. If, however, he's in love with me the way he says he is, this separation will probably create some pain and suffering for him. That might be what he needs to really come to a final decision about us. It's an act of self-preservation on my part because I can't keep hugging and kissing him if he doesn't plan on leaving his wife. That would be emotional suicide on my part.

So, what's the final outcome? Well, there isn't one yet. According to a source I respect highly who is both eerily intuitive and wise in the ways of such things, this is far from over for him. "Oh, he'll be back. I guarantee it." I guess we'll see. I'm afraid to get my hopes up but maybe that's just what I need to do. This whole time I've been afraid to hope for anything. Afraid to hope he might like me, then afraid to hope he might want to kiss me too, and afraid to hope he was feeling what I was feeling, afraid to hope he might love me. So far, I could have been hoping for all of these things and I would not have been disappointed. Maybe a little hope would be good for me. Thoughts are energy you know, they do have power. I could use a bit of energetic power on this one. I love this man, I'm not going down without a fight.