Still Crying

You know, emotional pain just sucks. I mean, it *really* sucks. I have periods when I feel fine, normal, like myself. Then, out of nowhere I start crying again. At work, at home, in the car. I was thinking today in the midst of one of these episodes that I really don't want to feel this way anymore. I want it to go away. I want to feel normal again (whatever that means). I want him to walk into my office and say, "I love you, I can't stand being without you, I will figure out a way to get out of my marriage."

Of course I say that and yet I know it would still mean someone hurts (his wife, his kids, him) and I wish that wasn't true. It's selfish of me, I know. It's my ego talking of course - it wants what it wants. Moving up to the higher functioning, more symbolic chakras, I know that what I really want is for both of us to find our truth and do what is best for us in our lives - even if that means he stays right where he is. Ultimately, if he stays with his wife, it means that's where he is supposed to be. I can't argue with that, it's his life, his path to walk, who am I to tell him he's wrong? "I can only show you the door..." and all that.

The hard part is that I can see how he's paralyzed by it all right now. He doesn't want to think about it, he doesn't know what to do about it. He wants a solution that doesn't cause anyone any pain and unfortunately that's just not possible. I think it would be sad if he is unable to at least move beyond his mental/emotional paralysis and really truly consider what is the right decision for his life and the lives of his kids. Standing still hasn't been working for him for a long time. I have to wonder if I'm the brick upside the head trying to spur him out of his cement shoes. I guess that's really for him to resolve.

I stay with my original assessment, this just sucks.