It Never Fails

Whenever you really like someone - I mean really like someone - the first time you have sex with them is not necessarily the best. Or maybe that's just me. If I have major emotions wrapped up in someone the feeling of vulnerability that creates tends to inhibit things in my soma (body). This has actually been true of all the boyfriends I've had in the past and clearly I still need lots of therapy because it's still true today.

Odd isn't it that I can have mind-blowing sex with the bank robber and only sorta good sex with the MG. Yes, boys and girls, it happened today - it was one of those, "a funny thing happened on the way to Office Depot" kinds of things. I fully intended to go to Office Depot, honest I did, but he suggested an alternative route and I just couldn't say no.

It wasn't bad, no definitely not bad, but it wasn't mind-blowing the way I kind of thought it would be. Dammit all to hell I was trying to remove expectation! In fact, I didn't even realize I'd had expectations until afterwards. Actually, they were pretty low, I thought I would have an orgasm and I just couldn't. He was doing everything right - believe me, this guy knows what he's doing - but my head couldn't let go. I think I also felt a bit odd being at home in the middle of the day while I was, technically, on the clock and knowing that everyone knew we were "at Office Depot" together. Honestly, I bet no one thought a thing about it but guilt can make you paranoid.

Now that I've had a couple glasses of wine, I'm feeling a little better about it all. For a while I was feeling like I'd completely blown it. After it happened I got some advice from a person who had been in this exact situation and actually ended up marrying the guy and they've been together for at least 15 years now. She said, "whatever you do, don't sleep with him until he moves out." Well, fuck me, I guess I blew it.

Seriously though, one of the feelings I had afterwards was that it really needed to happen. Both of us were like pressure cookers and we needed to release it. Even with the bank robber, I still had tension built up about the MG. The bank robber was just keeping me from ripping MG's clothes off in the middle of the office and doing him on the conference room table. Now that we've released that tension, I imagine we'll both be a bit more relaxed. Or, we'll be driven to keep doing it, I'm not sure which yet.

The other revelation I had was that I really can't be the "on-the-side" girl for him. I care about him enough that it would just kill me emotionally to only have his sex. I want the whole package with him, the relationship, the messiness, the whole deal. What's wrong with me? I've been a happy singleton for years now and certainly had not planned to give that up. I imagine that's why this is happening.

What a mess! Just when I thought my life was going to be unbearably boring......I guess that will teach me. Life is only unbearably boring if you're not living it. So, tune in tomorrow boys and girls because no one (not even me) knows what will happen from day to day.