Back to Life

Remember that Soul II Soul song? Love that song.

Anyway, I've been having a life so I haven't been thinking much about blogging. Not that there haven't been things to talk about. The "married guy" (MG for short I think) is still giving me fits daily but I decided that since he's not going to put out, I better find a surrogate (or 2 or 3) to work out my frustration on - a "pomme de sang" if you will. 'Cause let me tell ya, it was just about killing me being wound up that tight with nowhere to work it out. Or maybe I should say no one to work it out on. Thankfully for me, I've remedied that and MG can wind me up all he wants and I can work it out on some lucky bastard who has no idea he's not the one putting me in this "state."

And even better because now I can taunt MG with the fact that someone else is getting what he could be getting. Someone else is getting the rewards that are truly meant for him. But hey, if he's not interested in stepping outside those boundaries, more power to him, but I will get my freak on goddammit, with him or without him. And let me tell you, I've made a couple of fine choices too so sista ain't missin' out on nothin' ya hear!?

Now of course that's complete bullshit. Well, not complete, I did make a couple of fine choices for my surrogates, but the truth remains that I'd much rather be working out my sexual tension with the object of my desire. Namely, MG. He's my match in nearly every way and truly the first man I've met who could stand toe to toe with me without being intimidated, freaked out, overwhelmed, scared, or judgemental. He's like a bolt of lightening and I can't believe he's married. I mean, I *can* believe he's married but I'm righteously pissed that this person finally shows up in my life and he's not even available. That is bullshit.

In all honesty, I know better than to think anything is truly permanent, divorce is not only common, it's kind of the norm now. However, I do have guilt about my feelings. And some fear because I don't know if he truly feels the same way, though he's said some things that lead me to believe he does. Dammit, I'm going to have to have "the talk" with him at some point. I need to find out if this is passing entertainment for him or something more substantial. If it's passing entertainment I need to get over it and move on because I certainly deserve to be more than that to someone I feel this way about.

You know what, I'm like a walking example of nearly every story in the "He's Just Not That Into You" book. If he was really interested, married or not, wouldn't he be doing whatever he could to be with me. Granted, at the moment, he just sends me surreptitious email from a private account and we trade extremely suggestive dialogue daily.

I think I like the surrogates better. It's very straightforward - we have a drink or two, we have good sex, and they GO HOME. It's very simple. Everyone goes home happy and satisfied - including me so it's all good. But there's no lightening. Not really. Some really good sex but no lightening. Goddammit.