The Inevitable Crash

WARNING: The entry ahead is filled with soap opera-ish drama and a great heap O' whining so read at your own peril (nausea likely).

So after the last entry things were going well with me emotionally. I was having those "so now what" thoughts and trying to consider what life might be like if the MG actually left his current domestic experience in search of unwedded bliss with me or at the very least, singlehood. This was a good thing because it was helping me to move beyond the lust and passion to think with my head (being a woman and having only 1 head, this is not a debilitating experience).

So, yes, I was doing well and considering those things. Then I went to work on Monday. Didn't see or hear from the MG. This is not entirely uncommon for a Monday so I was still good though I did feel some pangs because I hadn't seen him since the post-coital kiss on his way out the door of my place last Thursday. And now here comes Tuesday and again, didn't see or hear from him all day until I requested his presence for a completely legitimate and important business reason. He turned me down saying they were swamped and he'd be able to get out from under it by Thursday.

Though frustrated (on the business side) and disappointed (on the personal side), I knew he was truly swamped and decided to let it go until........I hear his voice in the office next to mine at 3:00 or so. He yammers on with my neighbor for about an hour and then leaves for the day without even popping his head in to say hello/goodbye. I am most seriously displeased (to quote a character from the BBC version of Pride and Prejudice). Not to mention crushed, my heart feeling like someone had cracked it open and it was now bleeding out all over the floor. But mostly I was angry because it was easier to feel angry than devastated.

And then I was angry at myself for being devastated. How could I have allowed myself to be so vulnerable with this man that lack of a visit to my office would send me into depression and an early happy hour? Besides, wasn't I supposed to be distancing myself from him anyway? Weren't we supposed to be trying to stay away from each other a little bit? Yes, both answers are yes and I can only say that my heart just doesn't seem to give a rat's ass about what I'm "supposed" to be doing, it wants what it wants and what it wants is him - body, mind, soul, the whole deal.

You know, I really need to be seeing my therapist more often than I am. I clearly need A LOT more work.

I started writing him a nasty email and then deleted it, wisely knowing that I would regret sending it. I was too hurt and angry to communicate with him in any way at that moment - which is why I didn't call him either. So I came home and drank instead.

Around my second 12 oz glass of Crown and Diet Coke I considered the possibility that the pleasant numbing sensation taking place as a result of the alcohol was probably ultimately not a good thing. As uncomfortable as it was, I needed to feel this and not stuff it or drink it away. Right on cue, Mom called. It's amazing the way Mom's can just put things in perspective for you. She made some very good points about not immediately distrusting everything he'd ever said to me but rather that he might be struggling himself and didn't feel he could trust himself around me. "Just let him be" she said, "he'll be back, I guarantee it." It always sounds so much better when Mom's say it.

So I went out for dinner with a couple of girlfriends and I do feel better. I'm still sad that he feels it necessary to avoid me but I'm doing OK right now. I've vowed that I'm not going to call or email him beyond absolutely necessary business stuff and I may even try to put that off a bit if it's not urgent. I hate these fucking games, it just feels so stupid to me. If he would just come and tell me what was going on with him it would be better than this silence. I know, I know, men don't do that, they go to their cave and mull it over and then they come out and want to see you again. Whatever. I'm still going to let him know that it hurts me when he avoids me like that. If this relationship has any hope at all, he needs to know this kind of stuff. Who knows, maybe he'll actually tell me something helpful about what he was thinking. I know, unlikely. But it could happen.