The Soul Knows

I’ve been a fan of Caroline Myss for a long time. My Mom introduced me to her when I was in my 20’s and I’ve been following her work ever since. She’s recently started doing an online webcast weekly (Tuesday’s on Hay House Radio) where she discusses archetypes and does mini-readings. She’s an amazing teacher and I’ve really learned a lot from her.

So, I’m listening to a couple of the Podcasts I downloaded from Hay House on Soul Mates and Soul Companions. She was talking about the fantasy version of a “Soul Mate” most people have in their heads and how that’s really not what it’s about at all. Which I really already knew and wasn’t surprised to hear. No, she meant the kind of person you feel electricity with, you feel something animated with them. And not even necessarily in a romantic sense though it can certainly take that form. So as I was listening I realized she was really kind of telling my story with the MG!

It was all there, being compelled to be with the person even when reason or circumstances tell you not to, the connection in the chakras above the waist as opposed to the survival chakras, the feeling that there is a deep, deep soul connection that goes far beyond any ego-based lusts or passions, the feeling of your soul being “stretched” to its limits, bringing out the illumination of the light and the shadow of the dark within both of you, the inability to move away from or out of that person’s environment and ultimately, the knowing that you have a contract with this person to educate one another and grow one another through your connection with each other as part of your life’s journey.

That is EXACTLY what happened with us. And it wasn’t all nice and sweet and romantic and clean. It was hard and painful and messy and wrenching. Granted, there were definitely some moments of pure bliss – the times when I felt so utterly connected to him and we were alone and it was a kind of intimacy I’ve never had with another person (man or woman), that night at the party – in total there was quite a lot of pain and anguish and growth and realization for me (and probably for him too) during this relationship.

And it did bring out my shadow, no doubt about it. There were times when I was so angry, bitter, and hostile (not to mention how angry, bitter and hostile I was about *being* angry, bitter and hostile!) while at the same time saying to myself, “I refuse to be that bitter woman who goes around biting the guy’s head off every chance she gets.” Yeah, but I did that anyway – not too bad though, I kept it mostly under control and seethed internally. Of course all of this is part of a pattern Caroline described perfectly. What it’s really about is a power struggle.

I had given away my power almost immediately at the beginning of this whole ordeal because I just completely dove into it full force. I was a bit cautious at first but then when I realized he felt the same way I literally handed him the power hoping that he would then leave this marriage he wasn’t even happy in (by his own admission). I then proceeded to get angry at him for accepting that power even though that’s human nature. So there I am all pissed off because he’s not paying enough attention to me and I’m the one who kind of created the whole situation in the first place – well, we both created it but I definitely gave my power away. So then I become the needy one and that’s so completely unattractive to people. I mean I didn’t call him all the time or get really pathetic about it but I could have if I hadn’t kept a lid on it.

So, ultimately, what does it all mean? Well, I learned an awful lot about myself. I know I will not sell myself out again in the hopes that someone will love me. You can’t abandon yourself and then expect someone else to come save you. You have to feel worthy of love just as you are without having to compromise yourself in any fashion. And I don’t mean to say that you shouldn’t compromise in a relationship but more that compromising your own wholeness spiritually, as a soul, in the hopes that the person will love you is not healthy.

It’s amazing, I heard so much of myself and him in her callers, so much that was exactly like what we experienced. A woman called saying that she thought her marriage had been over for 10 years but that she had stayed because of her son. Caroline told her that she was fooling herself, she wasn’t staying for her son, she was staying for herself – because she didn’t want to deal with the consequences of leaving. She said she needed to step up and be honest with herself about why she was *really* staying and it had nothing to do with her child.

The MG would say all the time that he had to stay in his marriage for his son and that he couldn’t leave. He would always say that if there were no children involved he would leave her. I kind of knew this was a crock but I did let him get away with it for quite a while. But I finally told him if that’s how he felt then my suggestion was that he give that relationship 100% of his energy and leave me alone. He wasn’t really able to do that though – which doesn’t really surprise me either at this point.

I do believe we are soul mates. I don’t know if that means we’ll be together or not. It certainly doesn’t guarantee it. Maybe our contract was about the brief time we spent together and the lessons we both took away from it; the growth we both experienced. Caroline said you can tell when your contract is finished with someone when all the electricity is gone, when all the animation leaves and you feel nothing extraordinary for the person anymore. That’s definitely not how I feel about the MG. I’ve buried a lot of it out of self-preservation but it’s there and would sky-rocket to the surface if we ever became involved again. I’ve made a rule that there can be nothing more while he’s married – no exceptions, no “just this once more,” nothing. He knows this and if he makes the choice to stay where he is then it truly was only meant to be what it was over the last year.

I guess this means I need to start coming up with more interesting and diverse topics to discuss. I better get out there and have a life so I’ll have something to say…..