Lonely, Desperate, Empty What?

It’s funny the way things go. I’ve been feeling like I needed to write and right on cue I receive an anonymous email encouraging me to keep writing. Well, there you have it so here I am.

Life’s been very busy since my last installment – mostly work and mostly me trying to make it through the daily emotional flaying courtesy of the mess I’ve gotten myself into with the MG. Apparently the Gods are smiling on me though because I had a moment of total clarity last month and now, finally, the flaying is O-V-E-R. For now anyway, nothing is permanent so I’m just appreciating and enjoying while I can.

So, I’m watching Oprah….I imagine there are more “moments of clarity” that begin this way than can even be imagined. Oprah is the shit – even though she publicly verbally stoned James Frey nearly to death because he altered details in his book. What? A former drug addict altered details in his memoir about his experiences in rehab? I’m shocked! Shocked, I say! I could do a whole post about this alone….maybe I will. Anyway, the important part is I forgave her for slaying James on national television because everyone deserves some slack once in a while. So there.

So, I’m watching Oprah and she has this woman on who was “the other woman” for 3 years. While my experience isn’t really the same as hers – she was meeting this guy a few times a week for the full term of their relationship, the MG and I had maybe 6 “episodes” over the course of a year – I could identify with some of the things she was saying about how she felt during that time. So, Dr. Robin is talking about how women get into these relationships and she says something to the effect of, “when we’re a lonely, desperate, empty vessel…..”

Whoa, whoa, whoa! What?! A lonely, desperate, empty vessel? I AM NOT A LONELY, DESPERATE, EMPTY VESSEL!! What the hell am I doing acting like one?

Well, needless to say, that was kind of the end of that. It actually took me about a week after that to really feel emotionally solid around the MG but it’s been a month and a half and I’m still good. I think the first time I told the MG that it had to end was in November of last year. So, it took me 6 months to really mean it but now that I do I certainly feel better about myself. Now I can put that energy into other things that definitely need it – like my workout.

So, there it is. The end of that particular chapter. The book isn’t finished yet, we still work together and have to interact every day but so far it’s actually been pretty good. I’m able to mark certain areas off-limits for us and I just don’t go there – even when he tries to. I know that if I ever let my guard down it’s back into the pit of despair and I just can’t have that in my life. I operate from the assumption that he will never leave his wife, period. Anything else is a road to nowhere paved with a lot of emotional pain.

And that’s all I have to say about that…. Well, not exactly. The only other thing I will say is that the depth of my connection with the MG is still there underneath all this resolve. Something in my psyche has shifted allowing me to function without feeling the kind of pain and longing I had been feeling up to now but we are just as connected as we ever were. For those of you who believe in reincarnation I tend to think we've been a couple before. It would certainly explain the way I feel about him and the difficulty I had in moving past the reality of our current situation. Everything in me, physically and emotionally, told me I was supposed to be with this person. Kissing him, making love to him was like coming home, like I had finally found where I was supposed to be....or more accurately, who I was supposed to be with. In all honesty, I can't say the story is completely over even though I operate from the place of assuming he will not leave his wife. I consider the possibility that maybe this is their lifetime together and we've had ours. I don't know. All I do know is that it's not completely over but I have to move on because getting stuck here is not part of the plan for me.

OK, now I'm done....for now. Happy 4th y'all.