Long Strange Trip

I knew it had been a long time since I had blogged but 5 months flew by at light speed. Reading my last few posts reminds me of where I was last October and what has transpired since then. I've had a few moments of weakness with the MG and there has been sex (just once) - despite my intentions to the contrary. In actuality, that night was a very sexy experience all around.

I threw a party for people at work and nearly everyone came. It is the first party I'd had in my new place and it was exciting that everyone loved it and was getting to see it. The MG came sans spouse which I definitely expected. There had been some flirting and I think we both knew it was the perfect excuse to be together - if we could just get all the partygoers to leave early enough to have some time.

It was like being in a movie . . . prolonged eye contact across the room, brushing up against each other when no one could see, stolen kisses upstairs in the dark when everyone else was downstairs. The party had a great energy of its own and everyone was having such a great time that we certainly weren't missed for the few minutes we were gone. He said he wanted to stay, I said I wanted him to. It was all very exciting, something I'll remember forever.

We finally got the last guy to leave under the guise that the MG had too much to drink and was going to camp out for a while and have some coffee. I agreed to return him to his car which was parked at the office. It did take a great amount of effort to get the guy to leave but he finally agreed and at last we were alone. We looked at each other and smiled like we were kids and my parents had just left for a long weekend. What followed was incredible. Sex with him is unlike it's ever been with anyone else. It's not really about the physical so much as the spiritual. I mean the physical is wonderful but it's the connection I feel to him that makes it truly spectacular.

After that night he again retreated to his cave as he had following the previous coital experiences. But just recently he was overcome when I hinted that I wasn’t wearing any panties under my skirt. He basically walked me back to the storage room and there was a good bit of groping and kissing – which was what I expected as I knew the effect my disclosure would have on him. I’ll take the blame for that one, it was pretty calculated. However, there was a price . . . the inevitable cave retreat.

Of course I’m annoyed by the cave thing. In all honesty, it makes me wonder what the hell is going on with him. Is he feeling guilty? He says he doesn’t feel guilty about what has happened between us but the disappearing act is speaking a different message. I had actually intended to discuss this with him and he said he would come talk but then he disappeared for the weekend. I was pretty pissed but now I’m feeling like it’s all just writing on the wall. What he says is maybe what he wants to be the truth but I’m questioning now if he even knows what his truth is.

I wish I could honestly say, "I'm done with him" but I would be lying. I've tried pushing my feelings for him away and it just hasn't worked. Whatever it is, there's more to be dealt with here. I feel stupid for even saying it but the truth is that when we're together something comes over me and it's like we're the only people in the world. Again, cliche and stupid but, alas, it's true. However, I will say that I've been able to shut some of it off just by reminding myself of reality - he's not going to leave his wife, no matter what he says and I have to deal with that.

There will come a time when I'm able to say it's done but I'm not there yet. Having him in my daily life makes that a long process because the wound is re-opened every day. Thankfully, I have the weekends and the distance helps me work through it. Looking back at the last year, it's been quite an experience. Good, bad, ugly, and really ugly. My friend said I should write a book. Maybe someday when it's really finished.