The Soul Knows

I’ve been a fan of Caroline Myss for a long time. My Mom introduced me to her when I was in my 20’s and I’ve been following her work ever since. She’s recently started doing an online webcast weekly (Tuesday’s on Hay House Radio) where she discusses archetypes and does mini-readings. She’s an amazing teacher and I’ve really learned a lot from her.

So, I’m listening to a couple of the Podcasts I downloaded from Hay House on Soul Mates and Soul Companions. She was talking about the fantasy version of a “Soul Mate” most people have in their heads and how that’s really not what it’s about at all. Which I really already knew and wasn’t surprised to hear. No, she meant the kind of person you feel electricity with, you feel something animated with them. And not even necessarily in a romantic sense though it can certainly take that form. So as I was listening I realized she was really kind of telling my story with the MG!

It was all there, being compelled to be with the person even when reason or circumstances tell you not to, the connection in the chakras above the waist as opposed to the survival chakras, the feeling that there is a deep, deep soul connection that goes far beyond any ego-based lusts or passions, the feeling of your soul being “stretched” to its limits, bringing out the illumination of the light and the shadow of the dark within both of you, the inability to move away from or out of that person’s environment and ultimately, the knowing that you have a contract with this person to educate one another and grow one another through your connection with each other as part of your life’s journey.

That is EXACTLY what happened with us. And it wasn’t all nice and sweet and romantic and clean. It was hard and painful and messy and wrenching. Granted, there were definitely some moments of pure bliss – the times when I felt so utterly connected to him and we were alone and it was a kind of intimacy I’ve never had with another person (man or woman), that night at the party – in total there was quite a lot of pain and anguish and growth and realization for me (and probably for him too) during this relationship.

And it did bring out my shadow, no doubt about it. There were times when I was so angry, bitter, and hostile (not to mention how angry, bitter and hostile I was about *being* angry, bitter and hostile!) while at the same time saying to myself, “I refuse to be that bitter woman who goes around biting the guy’s head off every chance she gets.” Yeah, but I did that anyway – not too bad though, I kept it mostly under control and seethed internally. Of course all of this is part of a pattern Caroline described perfectly. What it’s really about is a power struggle.

I had given away my power almost immediately at the beginning of this whole ordeal because I just completely dove into it full force. I was a bit cautious at first but then when I realized he felt the same way I literally handed him the power hoping that he would then leave this marriage he wasn’t even happy in (by his own admission). I then proceeded to get angry at him for accepting that power even though that’s human nature. So there I am all pissed off because he’s not paying enough attention to me and I’m the one who kind of created the whole situation in the first place – well, we both created it but I definitely gave my power away. So then I become the needy one and that’s so completely unattractive to people. I mean I didn’t call him all the time or get really pathetic about it but I could have if I hadn’t kept a lid on it.

So, ultimately, what does it all mean? Well, I learned an awful lot about myself. I know I will not sell myself out again in the hopes that someone will love me. You can’t abandon yourself and then expect someone else to come save you. You have to feel worthy of love just as you are without having to compromise yourself in any fashion. And I don’t mean to say that you shouldn’t compromise in a relationship but more that compromising your own wholeness spiritually, as a soul, in the hopes that the person will love you is not healthy.

It’s amazing, I heard so much of myself and him in her callers, so much that was exactly like what we experienced. A woman called saying that she thought her marriage had been over for 10 years but that she had stayed because of her son. Caroline told her that she was fooling herself, she wasn’t staying for her son, she was staying for herself – because she didn’t want to deal with the consequences of leaving. She said she needed to step up and be honest with herself about why she was *really* staying and it had nothing to do with her child.

The MG would say all the time that he had to stay in his marriage for his son and that he couldn’t leave. He would always say that if there were no children involved he would leave her. I kind of knew this was a crock but I did let him get away with it for quite a while. But I finally told him if that’s how he felt then my suggestion was that he give that relationship 100% of his energy and leave me alone. He wasn’t really able to do that though – which doesn’t really surprise me either at this point.

I do believe we are soul mates. I don’t know if that means we’ll be together or not. It certainly doesn’t guarantee it. Maybe our contract was about the brief time we spent together and the lessons we both took away from it; the growth we both experienced. Caroline said you can tell when your contract is finished with someone when all the electricity is gone, when all the animation leaves and you feel nothing extraordinary for the person anymore. That’s definitely not how I feel about the MG. I’ve buried a lot of it out of self-preservation but it’s there and would sky-rocket to the surface if we ever became involved again. I’ve made a rule that there can be nothing more while he’s married – no exceptions, no “just this once more,” nothing. He knows this and if he makes the choice to stay where he is then it truly was only meant to be what it was over the last year.

I guess this means I need to start coming up with more interesting and diverse topics to discuss. I better get out there and have a life so I’ll have something to say…..

Lonely, Desperate, Empty What?

It’s funny the way things go. I’ve been feeling like I needed to write and right on cue I receive an anonymous email encouraging me to keep writing. Well, there you have it so here I am.

Life’s been very busy since my last installment – mostly work and mostly me trying to make it through the daily emotional flaying courtesy of the mess I’ve gotten myself into with the MG. Apparently the Gods are smiling on me though because I had a moment of total clarity last month and now, finally, the flaying is O-V-E-R. For now anyway, nothing is permanent so I’m just appreciating and enjoying while I can.

So, I’m watching Oprah….I imagine there are more “moments of clarity” that begin this way than can even be imagined. Oprah is the shit – even though she publicly verbally stoned James Frey nearly to death because he altered details in his book. What? A former drug addict altered details in his memoir about his experiences in rehab? I’m shocked! Shocked, I say! I could do a whole post about this alone….maybe I will. Anyway, the important part is I forgave her for slaying James on national television because everyone deserves some slack once in a while. So there.

So, I’m watching Oprah and she has this woman on who was “the other woman” for 3 years. While my experience isn’t really the same as hers – she was meeting this guy a few times a week for the full term of their relationship, the MG and I had maybe 6 “episodes” over the course of a year – I could identify with some of the things she was saying about how she felt during that time. So, Dr. Robin is talking about how women get into these relationships and she says something to the effect of, “when we’re a lonely, desperate, empty vessel…..”

Whoa, whoa, whoa! What?! A lonely, desperate, empty vessel? I AM NOT A LONELY, DESPERATE, EMPTY VESSEL!! What the hell am I doing acting like one?

Well, needless to say, that was kind of the end of that. It actually took me about a week after that to really feel emotionally solid around the MG but it’s been a month and a half and I’m still good. I think the first time I told the MG that it had to end was in November of last year. So, it took me 6 months to really mean it but now that I do I certainly feel better about myself. Now I can put that energy into other things that definitely need it – like my workout.

So, there it is. The end of that particular chapter. The book isn’t finished yet, we still work together and have to interact every day but so far it’s actually been pretty good. I’m able to mark certain areas off-limits for us and I just don’t go there – even when he tries to. I know that if I ever let my guard down it’s back into the pit of despair and I just can’t have that in my life. I operate from the assumption that he will never leave his wife, period. Anything else is a road to nowhere paved with a lot of emotional pain.

And that’s all I have to say about that…. Well, not exactly. The only other thing I will say is that the depth of my connection with the MG is still there underneath all this resolve. Something in my psyche has shifted allowing me to function without feeling the kind of pain and longing I had been feeling up to now but we are just as connected as we ever were. For those of you who believe in reincarnation I tend to think we've been a couple before. It would certainly explain the way I feel about him and the difficulty I had in moving past the reality of our current situation. Everything in me, physically and emotionally, told me I was supposed to be with this person. Kissing him, making love to him was like coming home, like I had finally found where I was supposed to be....or more accurately, who I was supposed to be with. In all honesty, I can't say the story is completely over even though I operate from the place of assuming he will not leave his wife. I consider the possibility that maybe this is their lifetime together and we've had ours. I don't know. All I do know is that it's not completely over but I have to move on because getting stuck here is not part of the plan for me.

OK, now I'm done....for now. Happy 4th y'all.