Long Time No Chat

It's been a long, strange, wonderful trip these last two years since Australia. That trip on its own was a dream come true - truly an incredible journey - and it marked the beginning of the journey I am now on in graduate school. I never would have guessed it then, but my life was about to take a very dramatic turn in a direction that still blows me away. I was literally on the precipice of making the hugest leap of my life thus far and now I am flying through the realm of the sacred in a way I never imagined I would. What grace.

It's late, I'm tired, more to come later...

Made it to OZ!!

Holy Mary, mother of you-know-who, I'm in Australia. The flight wasn't as bad as I thought it might be. Granted I was in Business Class which makes all the difference. I heard they had trouble in Coach with the kitchen and getting everyone's food served. Total nightmare apparently.

Got about 5 or 6 hours of sleep which was good enough to allow me to be functional when the plane landed. The first glimpse I got of the Sydney Opera House will be in my memory forever. It was very cool to see it live and in person, right there, just like it is. I can't wait to see it up close.

I'm on my way to Ayers Rock tomorrow morning but will be back in Sydney in a few days. I'll definitely hit the opera house then and do the whole tour thing. It's supposed to be very cool inside. I was going to try and see something but nothing is really happening on the days I'll be in town. Bummer, that.

So, I'm payin' for this time so I'm about done. I'll blog more from Down Under over the next few weeks. I am in Australia! Damn!

And So it Begins….

My journey to Australia is finally here. I almost can’t believe it. I’ve been planning it in my head for nearly 20 years. And the wonderful thing about the internet is that I was able to plan all of it myself online. I think that’s really damn cool – be your own travel agent, no fee involved.

I will be seeing the Outback and I will be seeing the beach. I will be staying on a secluded island in a private bungalow with a front door on the sand. I will be taking one of the most beautiful ferry rides in the world between the North and South islands of New Zealand. I will be spending a fair bit of time on trains – a wonderful way to see any country.

It’s just amazing. My flight leaves in 5 ½ hours. I’m going to Australia. I’M GOING TO AUSTRALIA!! How cool is that…..

It Won't Be Long Now.....

So here we are, 5 days and counting until I leave for Australia. I’ve got nearly everything on my shopping list that I needed. I still need to get another memory card for my camera but that’s easy. Honestly, I could probably buy any of the stuff on my list down there if it really came down to it. It’s Australia, they have stores.

It’s odd, I really can’t wait to go but I feel like I have so much to accomplish at work and here at home that I don’t want to get too excited until I’ve gotten on the plane and I can really start to unwind. That’s probably age and practicality talking but until I’m at the airport, getting on my plane I’m not truly on my way.

So, I went to buy some bug repellant because a couple of the places I’m going said it would be a good idea to have some on their FAQ page. Wanting to go sans chemicals if possible I’ve chosen a brand from my local health food store. I’m quite sure it will repel bugs......and probably anything and anyone else for that matter. The aroma is fairly strong. I’m thinking of buying some good old deet-filled lotion as well just in case I can’t stand the smell of this stuff. I guess the main ingredient is citronella and wow, it’s pretty powerful. My cat took one whiff of it, scrunched up his face, pulled his head away from my hand and walked away. Hey, it works on cats! I sure hope it works on black flies in The Outback.

The concept of leaving my home for 3 weeks and being in another country is so exciting. My biggest fear is that the time will go by so quickly that I’ll turn around and it will be over. Thankfully, my second week will be spent on a quiet, private island resort that serves only 10 visitors at a time. No phones, no computers, no interruptions. I feel like this will be when I really unplug and start to truly relax. By the time I head to New Zealand I’ll probably be totally chilled out and in vacation-mode.

They say it takes at least 2 weeks for someone to really mentally disconnect from work. I know when I went to Greece I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t think about work at all from the moment I left. I actually did really well, I didn’t think about work at all other than the realization that I needed to quit my job and leave the company I was working for. It hit me like Mack truck too. I almost called right then and told them I wasn’t coming home. It was Greece, I was swept away. But seriously, I did end up leaving and I’m much happier for it.

Being outside of your home, outside of your country, on another continent, so completely removed from anything you know or are comfortable with can bring amazing clarity if you’re open to it. You see things very differently. You have realizations that surprise you. You experience another culture and meet wonderful people who trigger things you didn’t even know were inside of you. It’s quite spectacular really. That’s why I always take a brand new journal on vacation. I might fill it up, I might not but that journal becomes a time-capsule of my trip, the state my mind was in, the insights and experiences I had, everything about it. It’s a very worthwhile practice, I highly recommend it.

It’s late now and I must work tomorrow so I’ll sign off. I’m not sure yet if I’ll blog from Down Under or not. It sounds like a fun way to capture some of what is going on but I’m just not sure I want to spend any time at a computer while I’m there. I don’t know, I’ll see how I feel when I get there.

Cheers y'all!

Vacation Planning Rocks

So, I’ve been off having a life since my last installment. I’ve been planning my 3 week trip to Australia and New Zealand like a crazed woman on a mission. Funny that when I started looking at exactly what I wanted to do and where I wanted to go I felt like I “had to” book flights, hotels, hostels, etc. right then, right that very second. I of course did a lot of research and found some great places to go. It’s coming up next month and I honestly can’t wait to go!! I’ll be sure to review everything when I return – not like anyone reads this but it will be a nice reminder for me once the trip is over.

I knew Australia was a big place but you really realize it when you start looking at domestic flight times. It really brings home just how large the place is. Flying across Australia is at least as long a flight as flying across the U.S. I’m not sure people really get that. Maybe because the U.S. is part of a larger continent it looks bigger. Or maybe it’s the size of our collective egos – we just *think* our country is bigger than everyone else’s. I think that’s probably it….

And speaking of our collective egos I will be doing my best to blend while I’m in Australia. It never really works mind you, there’s something about our demeanor and presence that screams, “HI, I’M FROM THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA! WHAT A NICE LITTLE COUNTRY YOU HAVE HERE.” Well, that and I’ll have a huge backpack on my back which is kind of a tip-off that I’m a tourist. I tend to just try not to be too annoying and sort of tone down my “Americanness” if you will.

I already blew it, kind of. I sent an email to this place I wanted to stay in to make a reservation. Of course, I don’t want to stay in a crappy room so I’m trying to figure out a way to say, “I’d like a nice room” without sounding annoyingly pretentious (aka American). At this age in my life, the days of bunking with 5 or 6 other people are over. In fact, bunking with one other person is questionable depending on the person. There are very few people I want to share a room with anymore, it’s just not worth the hassle.

So, I was talking about how I was trying to request a nice room without sounding like an annoying American. Well, I failed miserably of course and now I just know when I get there they’ll be laughing about it. That’s OK, I guess that does make me kind of pretentious but I can live with it. There are a few things that I simply want a certain way and you never know what you’re going to get sometimes so asking for what you want means you might actually get it. If that makes me pretentious then so be it, I can think of worse things.

This trip has created a multitude of shopping imperatives – new backpack, new shoes, new bathing suit (what a traumatic experience that was), new sun hat, etc. So far I love my new purchases and will get some good use out of them. Plus I just bought a new bra today. I love buying a new bra. Men may not have an equivalent experience but a new bra is one of my favorite things. I’m pretty well-endowed in the chestal region so finding a bra that fits me is always a challenge. Luckily I’ve found a place where I live that specializes in bras for ladies with my predicament. They have pretty bras that are very supportive, which is nice because usually they are butt-ugly. I’ve never understood this. Why is it necessary for large cup size bras to be so ugly? Do the manufacturers think that because a woman has large breasts she doesn’t care if her bra is pretty or not? Do they not think we like pretty lingerie? So stupid. We have money and we would be very willing to spend it if they gave us something lovely to spend it on.

But I digress…

So, I’m getting ready for my trip and I’m so excited!! I can’t wait to be on a beach, in a hammock outside my private bungalow enjoying the natural beauty surrounding me. I am so blessed, so incredibly fortunate that I am able to go on this trip. I love seeing the world and Australia has been on my list for at least 15 years. The idea that it’s less than a month away is really damn cool.

Cheers!

The Soul Knows

I’ve been a fan of Caroline Myss for a long time. My Mom introduced me to her when I was in my 20’s and I’ve been following her work ever since. She’s recently started doing an online webcast weekly (Tuesday’s on Hay House Radio) where she discusses archetypes and does mini-readings. She’s an amazing teacher and I’ve really learned a lot from her.

So, I’m listening to a couple of the Podcasts I downloaded from Hay House on Soul Mates and Soul Companions. She was talking about the fantasy version of a “Soul Mate” most people have in their heads and how that’s really not what it’s about at all. Which I really already knew and wasn’t surprised to hear. No, she meant the kind of person you feel electricity with, you feel something animated with them. And not even necessarily in a romantic sense though it can certainly take that form. So as I was listening I realized she was really kind of telling my story with the MG!

It was all there, being compelled to be with the person even when reason or circumstances tell you not to, the connection in the chakras above the waist as opposed to the survival chakras, the feeling that there is a deep, deep soul connection that goes far beyond any ego-based lusts or passions, the feeling of your soul being “stretched” to its limits, bringing out the illumination of the light and the shadow of the dark within both of you, the inability to move away from or out of that person’s environment and ultimately, the knowing that you have a contract with this person to educate one another and grow one another through your connection with each other as part of your life’s journey.

That is EXACTLY what happened with us. And it wasn’t all nice and sweet and romantic and clean. It was hard and painful and messy and wrenching. Granted, there were definitely some moments of pure bliss – the times when I felt so utterly connected to him and we were alone and it was a kind of intimacy I’ve never had with another person (man or woman), that night at the party – in total there was quite a lot of pain and anguish and growth and realization for me (and probably for him too) during this relationship.

And it did bring out my shadow, no doubt about it. There were times when I was so angry, bitter, and hostile (not to mention how angry, bitter and hostile I was about *being* angry, bitter and hostile!) while at the same time saying to myself, “I refuse to be that bitter woman who goes around biting the guy’s head off every chance she gets.” Yeah, but I did that anyway – not too bad though, I kept it mostly under control and seethed internally. Of course all of this is part of a pattern Caroline described perfectly. What it’s really about is a power struggle.

I had given away my power almost immediately at the beginning of this whole ordeal because I just completely dove into it full force. I was a bit cautious at first but then when I realized he felt the same way I literally handed him the power hoping that he would then leave this marriage he wasn’t even happy in (by his own admission). I then proceeded to get angry at him for accepting that power even though that’s human nature. So there I am all pissed off because he’s not paying enough attention to me and I’m the one who kind of created the whole situation in the first place – well, we both created it but I definitely gave my power away. So then I become the needy one and that’s so completely unattractive to people. I mean I didn’t call him all the time or get really pathetic about it but I could have if I hadn’t kept a lid on it.

So, ultimately, what does it all mean? Well, I learned an awful lot about myself. I know I will not sell myself out again in the hopes that someone will love me. You can’t abandon yourself and then expect someone else to come save you. You have to feel worthy of love just as you are without having to compromise yourself in any fashion. And I don’t mean to say that you shouldn’t compromise in a relationship but more that compromising your own wholeness spiritually, as a soul, in the hopes that the person will love you is not healthy.

It’s amazing, I heard so much of myself and him in her callers, so much that was exactly like what we experienced. A woman called saying that she thought her marriage had been over for 10 years but that she had stayed because of her son. Caroline told her that she was fooling herself, she wasn’t staying for her son, she was staying for herself – because she didn’t want to deal with the consequences of leaving. She said she needed to step up and be honest with herself about why she was *really* staying and it had nothing to do with her child.

The MG would say all the time that he had to stay in his marriage for his son and that he couldn’t leave. He would always say that if there were no children involved he would leave her. I kind of knew this was a crock but I did let him get away with it for quite a while. But I finally told him if that’s how he felt then my suggestion was that he give that relationship 100% of his energy and leave me alone. He wasn’t really able to do that though – which doesn’t really surprise me either at this point.

I do believe we are soul mates. I don’t know if that means we’ll be together or not. It certainly doesn’t guarantee it. Maybe our contract was about the brief time we spent together and the lessons we both took away from it; the growth we both experienced. Caroline said you can tell when your contract is finished with someone when all the electricity is gone, when all the animation leaves and you feel nothing extraordinary for the person anymore. That’s definitely not how I feel about the MG. I’ve buried a lot of it out of self-preservation but it’s there and would sky-rocket to the surface if we ever became involved again. I’ve made a rule that there can be nothing more while he’s married – no exceptions, no “just this once more,” nothing. He knows this and if he makes the choice to stay where he is then it truly was only meant to be what it was over the last year.

I guess this means I need to start coming up with more interesting and diverse topics to discuss. I better get out there and have a life so I’ll have something to say…..

Lonely, Desperate, Empty What?

It’s funny the way things go. I’ve been feeling like I needed to write and right on cue I receive an anonymous email encouraging me to keep writing. Well, there you have it so here I am.

Life’s been very busy since my last installment – mostly work and mostly me trying to make it through the daily emotional flaying courtesy of the mess I’ve gotten myself into with the MG. Apparently the Gods are smiling on me though because I had a moment of total clarity last month and now, finally, the flaying is O-V-E-R. For now anyway, nothing is permanent so I’m just appreciating and enjoying while I can.

So, I’m watching Oprah….I imagine there are more “moments of clarity” that begin this way than can even be imagined. Oprah is the shit – even though she publicly verbally stoned James Frey nearly to death because he altered details in his book. What? A former drug addict altered details in his memoir about his experiences in rehab? I’m shocked! Shocked, I say! I could do a whole post about this alone….maybe I will. Anyway, the important part is I forgave her for slaying James on national television because everyone deserves some slack once in a while. So there.

So, I’m watching Oprah and she has this woman on who was “the other woman” for 3 years. While my experience isn’t really the same as hers – she was meeting this guy a few times a week for the full term of their relationship, the MG and I had maybe 6 “episodes” over the course of a year – I could identify with some of the things she was saying about how she felt during that time. So, Dr. Robin is talking about how women get into these relationships and she says something to the effect of, “when we’re a lonely, desperate, empty vessel…..”

Whoa, whoa, whoa! What?! A lonely, desperate, empty vessel? I AM NOT A LONELY, DESPERATE, EMPTY VESSEL!! What the hell am I doing acting like one?

Well, needless to say, that was kind of the end of that. It actually took me about a week after that to really feel emotionally solid around the MG but it’s been a month and a half and I’m still good. I think the first time I told the MG that it had to end was in November of last year. So, it took me 6 months to really mean it but now that I do I certainly feel better about myself. Now I can put that energy into other things that definitely need it – like my workout.

So, there it is. The end of that particular chapter. The book isn’t finished yet, we still work together and have to interact every day but so far it’s actually been pretty good. I’m able to mark certain areas off-limits for us and I just don’t go there – even when he tries to. I know that if I ever let my guard down it’s back into the pit of despair and I just can’t have that in my life. I operate from the assumption that he will never leave his wife, period. Anything else is a road to nowhere paved with a lot of emotional pain.

And that’s all I have to say about that…. Well, not exactly. The only other thing I will say is that the depth of my connection with the MG is still there underneath all this resolve. Something in my psyche has shifted allowing me to function without feeling the kind of pain and longing I had been feeling up to now but we are just as connected as we ever were. For those of you who believe in reincarnation I tend to think we've been a couple before. It would certainly explain the way I feel about him and the difficulty I had in moving past the reality of our current situation. Everything in me, physically and emotionally, told me I was supposed to be with this person. Kissing him, making love to him was like coming home, like I had finally found where I was supposed to be....or more accurately, who I was supposed to be with. In all honesty, I can't say the story is completely over even though I operate from the place of assuming he will not leave his wife. I consider the possibility that maybe this is their lifetime together and we've had ours. I don't know. All I do know is that it's not completely over but I have to move on because getting stuck here is not part of the plan for me.

OK, now I'm done....for now. Happy 4th y'all.