Dik-Dik Jokes

Bob Harris is just brilliant. Check out this excellent commentary.

But when a dik-dik isn't grooming their fur, shining their trotters, or simply practicing their butt-wiggle (which often gets them surprisingly far in life), you can usually find them plunked down at the nearest body of water, simply gazing emptily at their own reflection so intently they might not even notice you said hello.

They want to be liked is all, and if they notice you enough to like you, they sometimes make pretty good friends, even. It's just that they don't tend to think very deeply about things, and there's a fair chance they'll never have to.

And that's the rub isn't it - the complete annoyance that they'll never have to think very deeply because there will always be 5,000 people more than willing to do the thinking for them.

Then again, I think I'd rather slit my wrists than be that utterly useless.

Can I Get an Amen!

Mind altering substances are so very nice. I like several of them but others terrify me and I don't get near them. I think the only way to successfully navigate such substances without becoming addicted is to be somewhat judicious with them. Of course, like everything else, you go through stages of something close to abuse and then you back way off and stay away from it. But to get back to my original point, mind altering substances are really great. I think I'll go have some more.

Beyond Orwell

I read an article today that troubled me greatly (when am I NOT troubled greatly these days?). It was in a magazine that was printed on paper and everything - I didn't even need a computer to read it!

But seriously . . .

The magazine is called Utne and I first saw it at my Acupunturist's office. I flipped through it a couple of times while waiting for my appointment and it looked pretty good so I bought a copy to read at home.

The article, titled Microsized Surveillance, is about RFID or Radio Frequency Identification. By the name you can basically guess what this is all about - crumb-sized microprocessors encoded with data (called "tags") that can be scanned using a wireless device.

According to the article, WalMart, in conjunction with Procter & Gamble, has already used these tags to trigger hidden webcams. When shoppers lifted a container of lipstick, their image was broadcast to a P&G research facility.

If that gives you the creeps too then it will likely disturb you to hear that the FDA recently approved an RFID implant the size of a grain of rice that contains emergency health data. Kind of like the implants they have for dogs so that if the dog is lost, the owner can be contacted. Except in this version, you're the dog and you could be tracked everywhere you go, everything you pickup in a store, everything you buy, eventually everything you own would be tagged (which would make shopping much easier for burglars).

Just imagine what the Department of Homland Security wants to do with this. According to the article, they've already invested $4 million in the technology.

It's not that I didn't know this stuff existed - I know Big Brother is already tracking all of us more that we really want to think about - but has it really come to this? I honestly didn't think it would come to this in my lifetime. I guess that's pretty PollyAnna of me but I make a real effort not to dwell in the negative (despite my rantings on this blog).

I feel like the more I learn the more depressed I get. It really is true that ignorance is bliss, it's so much easier to be a sheep and eat all the shit they shovel into our collective consciousness. The less you know the easier it is to simply go on with your life as if everything is just fine and George & Dick are taking care of us and they're getting the "bad men" and don't worry your pretty little head.

WAR IS PEACE

FREEDOM IS SLAVERY

IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH

By the way, you can't see the whole article online for free but you can buy it for $2.95 - or you could just buy the whole magazine for $5 at your local Whole Foods (or other similar type store).

Stunned Silence

I'm truly speechless . . .

President Bush said the public's decision to reelect him was a ratification of his approach toward Iraq and that there was no reason to hold any administration officials accountable for mistakes or misjudgments in prewar planning or managing the violent aftermath.

"We had an accountability moment, and that's called the 2004 elections," Bush said in an interview with The Washington Post. "The American people listened to different assessments made about what was taking place in Iraq, and they looked at the two candidates, and chose me."

Then there's this brilliant display of oratorical fireworks . . .

"By providing security, hopefully that will provide comfort to people who are coming from all around the country to come and stay in the hotels in Washington and to be able to watch the different festivities in Washington, and eat the food in Washington," Bush said.

It's entirely possible that I will need to be intoxicated for the next 4 years so that I don't end up in a padded cell mumbling incoherently about how this moronic monkey could have possibly been re-elected. Or maybe I'll turn into Rain Woman (just without that whole mathematical genius bit) and walk around saying, "I'm an excellent driver . . . an excellent driver."

I cannot believe what has taken place in this country. It is truly heartbreaking.

You can read the rest of this very sad article here.

Ice Storm

For those of you playing the home game, it's freezing here in areas of the Northwest. Not freezing as in a bit chilly outside, no that doesn't remotely cover it. I'm talking holding on for dear life as you go down the stairs because everything is covered in an inch of ice, driving 5 miles per hour so you don't slide off the road, ice skating down the sidewalk so you don't fall on your ass freezing. The rain is ice before it even hits the ground.

I am moderately unprepared for this weather having moved from the lovely state immediately to the south that is known for sun and beaches. I have no chains for my tires and I'm using a coat that, though full length, really isn't an icy weather kind of garment. It's serviceable and a lot better than nothing but it's not wool or some other NASA-invented fiber that's superthin but will keep you warm in -30 temperatures.

As per usual, it takes an extreme circumstance for me to learn my lesson. I need to buy chains and carry them during the winter - even if I never go to the snow. I need to purchase some decent outerwear so that I don't freeze my adorable ass off. I need a new pair of gloves because mine are at least 7 years old and are ripped in multiple places.

Thankfully I've had my TiVo to keep me entertained and my heater to keep me warm. That's a hell of a lot more than I'm sure many of the homeless in this town have had today. It's supposed to start warming up around midnight (which I find odd) and be in the 40's tomorrow. Not warm but warm enough to start melting that ice on the roads. I'll take it!

Brilliant Humor

If you are not acquainted with Cintra Wilson you have been deprived of one of the greater pleasures in life. Reading her work is like fine wine for the brain and I never get tired of her. Please allow me to provide you with a short introduction.

I became a Cintra fan back in 1995 or so when a friend turned me on to her column at Salon. After that I was completely hooked. I couldn't wait for her new column each week and became thoroughly depressed when she seemed to stop posting. I found out later that she had written a book: A Massive Swelling: Celebrity Re-examined as a Grotesque, Crippling Disease and Other Cultural Revelations. It remains one of my very favorite books to this day (I can't believe I forgot to add it to my Favorites list, I'll have to fix that).

Kudos to my precious Queen of All at Furor Loquendi for reminding me of this fantastic column Cintra did about the Brad and Jennifer wedding. I believe you can still find archives of Cintra's older work as well if you're interested. Enjoy!


Update: A Massive Swelling WAS listed on my Favorites list but wasn't showing up in my profile. Ha! I knew I wouldn't forget Cintra

Are You Sure We're Related?

I found out something truly horrific the other day. A member of my immediate family (who shall remain nameless) actually sent a CHRISTMAS CARD to President Bush and the First Lady*.

Just sit with that for a moment. Mull it over like a big swig of Thunderbird or Mad Dog 20/20.

Holy-Jesus-Fucking-Christ-on-a-Cracker! What do you say to that? "Who the hell are you? How can we possibly be related? Have you had a recent head injury?"

I don't really know what else to say, that kind of covers it. Now I'm just trying to determine how to interact with this person as if I'd never heard it because I think it would be best if I just pretend it didn't happen. It would be better for both of us if I could do that.


*you know her, the woman who stands quietly and demurely at her husband's side, just like she's been trained to, looking at him adoringly and never really having her own opinion about anything.

Another Bitch-Slapping for Tucker

Apparently, CNN and Tucker Carlson have decided to part company. I'm thrilled! Though I'm sure he'll end up slinging his trash on some other crappy Fox wannabe. Is it just me or do most of us want to see that ridiculous bow tie shoved down his throat? Maybe then he would SHUT THE FUCK UP!

The new president of CNN, Jonathan Klein, dug Jon Stewart's wonderfully gutsy comments on "Crossfire" -

Mr. Klein said last night, "I agree wholeheartedly with Jon Stewart's overall premise." He said he believed that especially after the terror attacks on 9/11, viewers are interested in information, not opinion.

Maybe there is hope for them after all.

I Left My Heart in San Francisco

I miss San Francisco. It's not that I don't love where I live now, the Northwest is actually really beautiful and has some truly great bonuses that I thoroughly appreciate. But I still miss San Francisco.

I think what I miss most is the people. My friends of course, I miss them daily. But in general, there are a lot of techno-geek types in the Bay Area. When you say to someone, "guess what I bought myself for Christmas! The Star Wars trilogy on DVD and an iPod!" they get it. They don't look at you with a blank stare like they have no idea what an iPod is and don't understand why you're so excited about some old movies they saw as kids.

Granted, there are a few I know who appreciate such things. It's not like the Northwest is devoid of technologically savvy individuals, I just don't work with many of them and since I'm so new here, I don't know many of them yet either. I'm so starved for intellectual intercourse that I find myself feeling very disconnected.

Of course I just spent several days in San Francisco with my favorite people over the New Year. It was so wonderful, I didn't want to leave. Not to mention the scenery was as lovely as ever. And I'm not talking about the coast, though it was beautiful as well.

Maybe I just need to get out and find ways to meet new people. I'm actually kind of shy about meeting new people. This would surprise my friends I'm sure but initially, I'm kind of cautious when meeting someone new.

OK, I'm going to stop whining now. I just need to get the hell out of my house and meet some damn people. I'm fun dammit, who wouldn't want to hang out with me! [she says as she tosses her mane] That's pure Leo for you . . .