What is it about Thursday?

You know it's strange. The MG and I always seem to have pivotal moments on Thursday. Had sex for the first and second time on consecutive Thursday's. Then today no sex (it's THAT week and he's got some cold or flu thing that I definitely don't want) but an otherwise excellent day for communication between us. Strange that.

I'm still struggling with myself when it comes to wanting the MG. I so enjoy our banter at work and it all just continues to strengthen my desire for him. Sometimes I feel like I'll explode if I don't touch him. I keep reminding myself that I need to remain open to allow it to work out in the way it's intended rather than simply the way I want it to. It's not an easy thing to do and I'm not sure if I can actually keep from putting my own subjective desires out there. Ultimately, I know in my soul that it will unfold in the way that is best for everyone involved. This certainly doesn't mean it will be painless. In fact, pain is pretty much guaranteed at this point.

Whew!! That was serious. No doubt this is all going to get very, very messy. I know it's coming.

So the bank robber is gone. He found out he wasn't the only one in my life and even though I had "the talk" with him the previous week about maintaining the boundaries of the "no strings attached" arrangement we had originally entered into, it bothered him enough to decide it best to opt out. Which is fine really though will miss many things about him. There is even more drama in his life right now than there is in mine so it really is for the best. It's just hard to let such great sex walk out the door. Fortunately, the memory remains.....

The Inevitable Crash

WARNING: The entry ahead is filled with soap opera-ish drama and a great heap O' whining so read at your own peril (nausea likely).

So after the last entry things were going well with me emotionally. I was having those "so now what" thoughts and trying to consider what life might be like if the MG actually left his current domestic experience in search of unwedded bliss with me or at the very least, singlehood. This was a good thing because it was helping me to move beyond the lust and passion to think with my head (being a woman and having only 1 head, this is not a debilitating experience).

So, yes, I was doing well and considering those things. Then I went to work on Monday. Didn't see or hear from the MG. This is not entirely uncommon for a Monday so I was still good though I did feel some pangs because I hadn't seen him since the post-coital kiss on his way out the door of my place last Thursday. And now here comes Tuesday and again, didn't see or hear from him all day until I requested his presence for a completely legitimate and important business reason. He turned me down saying they were swamped and he'd be able to get out from under it by Thursday.

Though frustrated (on the business side) and disappointed (on the personal side), I knew he was truly swamped and decided to let it go until........I hear his voice in the office next to mine at 3:00 or so. He yammers on with my neighbor for about an hour and then leaves for the day without even popping his head in to say hello/goodbye. I am most seriously displeased (to quote a character from the BBC version of Pride and Prejudice). Not to mention crushed, my heart feeling like someone had cracked it open and it was now bleeding out all over the floor. But mostly I was angry because it was easier to feel angry than devastated.

And then I was angry at myself for being devastated. How could I have allowed myself to be so vulnerable with this man that lack of a visit to my office would send me into depression and an early happy hour? Besides, wasn't I supposed to be distancing myself from him anyway? Weren't we supposed to be trying to stay away from each other a little bit? Yes, both answers are yes and I can only say that my heart just doesn't seem to give a rat's ass about what I'm "supposed" to be doing, it wants what it wants and what it wants is him - body, mind, soul, the whole deal.

You know, I really need to be seeing my therapist more often than I am. I clearly need A LOT more work.

I started writing him a nasty email and then deleted it, wisely knowing that I would regret sending it. I was too hurt and angry to communicate with him in any way at that moment - which is why I didn't call him either. So I came home and drank instead.

Around my second 12 oz glass of Crown and Diet Coke I considered the possibility that the pleasant numbing sensation taking place as a result of the alcohol was probably ultimately not a good thing. As uncomfortable as it was, I needed to feel this and not stuff it or drink it away. Right on cue, Mom called. It's amazing the way Mom's can just put things in perspective for you. She made some very good points about not immediately distrusting everything he'd ever said to me but rather that he might be struggling himself and didn't feel he could trust himself around me. "Just let him be" she said, "he'll be back, I guarantee it." It always sounds so much better when Mom's say it.

So I went out for dinner with a couple of girlfriends and I do feel better. I'm still sad that he feels it necessary to avoid me but I'm doing OK right now. I've vowed that I'm not going to call or email him beyond absolutely necessary business stuff and I may even try to put that off a bit if it's not urgent. I hate these fucking games, it just feels so stupid to me. If he would just come and tell me what was going on with him it would be better than this silence. I know, I know, men don't do that, they go to their cave and mull it over and then they come out and want to see you again. Whatever. I'm still going to let him know that it hurts me when he avoids me like that. If this relationship has any hope at all, he needs to know this kind of stuff. Who knows, maybe he'll actually tell me something helpful about what he was thinking. I know, unlikely. But it could happen.

As the Babe Turns

So Babe, what's been going on in your world since you and your co-worker gave new meaning to the term "teamwork?" How's the Bank Robber? Still banging him too?

Well gentle reader, I have to say that this last week or so has been quite an emotional roller coaster. Primarily due to the MG and revelations for both of us but the Bank Robber has certainly played a part in there as well.

I guess the BHD (big hairy deal) is the conversation the MG and I had regarding what is clearly going on between us. We talked a lot about his current situation and what's going on there as well as how we feel about each other. The bottom line being that both of us want this relationship to go far beyond the physical (though we are both enjoying that aspect immensely). Neither of us really want to do the sneaking around thing where we can only have stolen moments during the day. Though, I must say, if I let him have that he'd probably let it go on for quite a while.

The truth is the ball is kind of in my court on this one and it's not been easy for me. I have plenty of resolve when he's not around but then the moment he's in my energy field that connection kicks in and I feel utterly defenseless. It's pathetic really but I have to tell you, it's unlike anything I've felt before. When he's in a room with me, I physically feel connected to him. I want to touch him all the time and not really even sexually, I just want that physical connection to him. I don't quite know what to do with it sometimes.

We've only been together one more time but it was even better than the first time. It was so intense (how trite is that?) and the energy exchange was AMAZING. We had more time together, it felt kind of indulgent.

And yet with all of this I still know it must stop. He knows it too. He understands why. But we haven't been able to bring ourselves to stop. Although, after the most recent encounter I'm feeling a bit more objective about things. I don't know why but I'm starting to think about "so now what?" In other words, what would come next? If he left his marriage what would we do? Do we try to date? Do we move in together? What happens next?

I don't really have a great answer. I think it's something we would have to discuss. Frankly, I kind of like living alone but I also know that I would really enjoy waking up next to him in the morning and falling asleep with him at night. I know I would really, really like that.

It Never Fails

Whenever you really like someone - I mean really like someone - the first time you have sex with them is not necessarily the best. Or maybe that's just me. If I have major emotions wrapped up in someone the feeling of vulnerability that creates tends to inhibit things in my soma (body). This has actually been true of all the boyfriends I've had in the past and clearly I still need lots of therapy because it's still true today.

Odd isn't it that I can have mind-blowing sex with the bank robber and only sorta good sex with the MG. Yes, boys and girls, it happened today - it was one of those, "a funny thing happened on the way to Office Depot" kinds of things. I fully intended to go to Office Depot, honest I did, but he suggested an alternative route and I just couldn't say no.

It wasn't bad, no definitely not bad, but it wasn't mind-blowing the way I kind of thought it would be. Dammit all to hell I was trying to remove expectation! In fact, I didn't even realize I'd had expectations until afterwards. Actually, they were pretty low, I thought I would have an orgasm and I just couldn't. He was doing everything right - believe me, this guy knows what he's doing - but my head couldn't let go. I think I also felt a bit odd being at home in the middle of the day while I was, technically, on the clock and knowing that everyone knew we were "at Office Depot" together. Honestly, I bet no one thought a thing about it but guilt can make you paranoid.

Now that I've had a couple glasses of wine, I'm feeling a little better about it all. For a while I was feeling like I'd completely blown it. After it happened I got some advice from a person who had been in this exact situation and actually ended up marrying the guy and they've been together for at least 15 years now. She said, "whatever you do, don't sleep with him until he moves out." Well, fuck me, I guess I blew it.

Seriously though, one of the feelings I had afterwards was that it really needed to happen. Both of us were like pressure cookers and we needed to release it. Even with the bank robber, I still had tension built up about the MG. The bank robber was just keeping me from ripping MG's clothes off in the middle of the office and doing him on the conference room table. Now that we've released that tension, I imagine we'll both be a bit more relaxed. Or, we'll be driven to keep doing it, I'm not sure which yet.

The other revelation I had was that I really can't be the "on-the-side" girl for him. I care about him enough that it would just kill me emotionally to only have his sex. I want the whole package with him, the relationship, the messiness, the whole deal. What's wrong with me? I've been a happy singleton for years now and certainly had not planned to give that up. I imagine that's why this is happening.

What a mess! Just when I thought my life was going to be unbearably boring......I guess that will teach me. Life is only unbearably boring if you're not living it. So, tune in tomorrow boys and girls because no one (not even me) knows what will happen from day to day.

Holy Shit

It's been quite an experience these last few days. I saw the bank robber again and the sex was, well, truly spectacular......again! That was last night and I managed to get him out of here by 11:00pm so I could get some sleep. I swear, he's going to break me but I won't care because he's so good. A talented man with an oral fixation is a true treasure - bank robber or not!

And then there's the MG. WOW!! Well, things have escalated rather quickly. We had a conversation yesterday in which (after several very suggestive, sexy email on both sides) I told him I was done. Done playing verbal foreplay, done going home sexually frustrated (though the bank robber is helping me with that quite nicely, which is the only thing keeping me sane right now), just done with it.

The conversation was actually a really good one and I found out some things I didn't know. Namely, he's really into me. He really cares about me beyond the whole physical thing. This was good to hear because I was wondering if I was the only one feeling it. He's pretty good at hiding his feelings (making mental note of this). He is a Scorpio after all, they're masters of it.

So we're talking about how neither of us want to hurt his wife but he's also telling me that they've had conversations about divorcing and sometimes neither of them are sure why they're together. His kids are the deal for him though. He's pretty sure he'd be fine without his wife but he's not sure how he'd be without his kids. This is the crux of his issue at the moment. That and he doesn't want to do anything to hurt his wife. Though I have news for him on that front - if he cares about me as much as he says he does, he's already cheating on her. Just because we're not yet sleeping together doesn't mean he's not cheating. In fact, I'd say the kind of cheating he's doing now is more detrimental than just having sex with someone - IMHO. He's emotionally involved with me, that's pretty serious.

So anyway, today we had a major development. After a trip to the Office Depot - for completely legitimate reasons even - he came into my office, shut the door and kissed me. I mean, he really kissed me - with passion and a sexiness and everything loving. It was quite a kiss, I was shaking afterwards and had to sit down. I admit, the car ride to the Office Depot and back to the office was kind of hot so there was certainly a bit of foreplay there that got us both hot and bothered. I really didn't think he'd do it though, break that control and actually kiss me.

My head is just spinning. Last night, with the bank robber, he said I was hotter than I'd been since we'd been having sex. No surprise, the conversation earlier in the day with the MG had me so wound up that I was just on fire. Of course, the bank robber doesn't know that and I'm certainly not going to tell him. He has enough issues.

So, now what? Well, I told the MG that he needed to make a decision about what he wanted in his life. Is the marraige something he wants to stay in? Is what he's feeling with me strong enough for him to consider leaving it? Is it just the catalyst to get him out of it? I don't know. I do know that I want to kiss him some more. A lot more actually. Yes, definitely more kissing.....

Out of Sight

Did you ever see this movie? George Clooney and Jennifer Lopez. He's a bank robber, she's a Federal Marshall. Yes, she eventually shoots him in the end (but she doesn't kill him - hard to kill someone you've had such good sex with).

I'm no Federal Marshall but currently, my life is like an Out of Sight deja'vu. One of my surrogates has informed me that he's been in prison for bank robbery and is still on probation. He told me this morning after a night where neither of us got much sleep. And yes, it was a very good thing.

I'm not sure how I feel about this. I don't necessarily think this means he's a "bad person," but I have questions for him. I was too stunned this morning to know what they were but now that I've had some time to think about it, I've got a few. For example:

How long ago?
Was this for one incident or several attempts?
What else has he been arrested for/convicted of?
Was there a gun involved?
Is there violence in his past?
Where is he at with this now?
Why did he do it in the first place?
Why the HELL does he have to be so goddamn GOOD IN BED???!!! Shit!!

I have apparently landed myself with an authentic "bad boy." Well done me. Every trailer park honey's wet dream. That's not fair really, he's not a bad person but he's made some colossally bad choices. I do believe he can become much more than those bad choices but it's a bit of a thing to process nonetheless.

And the MG. And the MG. And the MG! He's getting even bolder now in his email to me. I can tell he's beginning to truly entertain the idea of something actually happening between us. I can't say I'm upset about that. I definitely want it. I feel like I'm in the middle of a soap opera.

Back to Life

Remember that Soul II Soul song? Love that song.

Anyway, I've been having a life so I haven't been thinking much about blogging. Not that there haven't been things to talk about. The "married guy" (MG for short I think) is still giving me fits daily but I decided that since he's not going to put out, I better find a surrogate (or 2 or 3) to work out my frustration on - a "pomme de sang" if you will. 'Cause let me tell ya, it was just about killing me being wound up that tight with nowhere to work it out. Or maybe I should say no one to work it out on. Thankfully for me, I've remedied that and MG can wind me up all he wants and I can work it out on some lucky bastard who has no idea he's not the one putting me in this "state."

And even better because now I can taunt MG with the fact that someone else is getting what he could be getting. Someone else is getting the rewards that are truly meant for him. But hey, if he's not interested in stepping outside those boundaries, more power to him, but I will get my freak on goddammit, with him or without him. And let me tell you, I've made a couple of fine choices too so sista ain't missin' out on nothin' ya hear!?

Now of course that's complete bullshit. Well, not complete, I did make a couple of fine choices for my surrogates, but the truth remains that I'd much rather be working out my sexual tension with the object of my desire. Namely, MG. He's my match in nearly every way and truly the first man I've met who could stand toe to toe with me without being intimidated, freaked out, overwhelmed, scared, or judgemental. He's like a bolt of lightening and I can't believe he's married. I mean, I *can* believe he's married but I'm righteously pissed that this person finally shows up in my life and he's not even available. That is bullshit.

In all honesty, I know better than to think anything is truly permanent, divorce is not only common, it's kind of the norm now. However, I do have guilt about my feelings. And some fear because I don't know if he truly feels the same way, though he's said some things that lead me to believe he does. Dammit, I'm going to have to have "the talk" with him at some point. I need to find out if this is passing entertainment for him or something more substantial. If it's passing entertainment I need to get over it and move on because I certainly deserve to be more than that to someone I feel this way about.

You know what, I'm like a walking example of nearly every story in the "He's Just Not That Into You" book. If he was really interested, married or not, wouldn't he be doing whatever he could to be with me. Granted, at the moment, he just sends me surreptitious email from a private account and we trade extremely suggestive dialogue daily.

I think I like the surrogates better. It's very straightforward - we have a drink or two, we have good sex, and they GO HOME. It's very simple. Everyone goes home happy and satisfied - including me so it's all good. But there's no lightening. Not really. Some really good sex but no lightening. Goddammit.